Part 1: My Big Brother Died

Death, Spiders, Tumblr, and Uncertainty

Writing a blog post after my brother dies feels dumb. As though I am pretending the right words can bring him back. Or at the very least, make me feel like I can control my environment by writing about it. 

The day after his funeral, my family and I flew to Africa for a 2 week trip. 

So this post will have two parts: My Brother Died 
and 
All the Layers of Uganda [with the Cheeley vibes] 

My Brother Died

Zach was 29. As I write this, tomorrow is his birthday. I never thought he would turn 30... 2 weeks ago, I high-fived him and told him I was proud of him for making it this far. He chuckled, drank some wine and said, "Me too! Thank you!" He liked wine. I went to bed a few minutes later, after a brief conversation about his road trip with our grandparents and how much he freaking loved Sasquatch - Music Festival. He lived for music festivals. Especially Sasquatch. 
That conversation was on a Sunday evening. It was our last one. The high-five came too soon. 

The following Wednesday evening, I was in Spokane fighting with Trevor. Let it be known that when I fight with Trevor, Trevor calmly discusses with an Upset Natasha. I fight. He discusses. I told him on Monday that we needed to deal with some specific issues. I told him to be ready by Wednesday. 

A few hours later, I drove back home to sleep. I have to be awake by 4 a.m. Thursday morning for opening shift at 5 a.m. I need to get a better career. 

His Last Breath

Zach had randomly met up with Friend S. on Wednesday evening, who he had not seen in a couple of years. They talked, had a beer at a bar, went back to the house where S. lived with a couple housemates. On the couch, Zach sat down with his back pack next to him and S. needed to step outside for a cigarette. After the cigarette, he walked inside and saw Zach unconscious on the floor. No pulse. S. tried to wake him up. He couldn't and called 9-1-1. Eight minutes passed before police arrived and started CPR. The paramedics performed CPR for 20 minutes before a heart beat returned. I received a text message from my mom at 4:43 a.m. Thursday morning while driving to work telling me Zach was unconscious lying in the hospital. He laid there Thursday morning through Monday afternoon. By Saturday, the doctor explained he had no brain function, only 30% brain stem which meant his brain could tell his lungs to breathe, and his organs could function. He was on a ventilator to regulate this. But he was gone. We agreed to donate his organs. We removed the ventilator on Monday. I watched him die completely in 37 minutes. The doctors gave his kidneys to 2 other people that night. 

Those are all the certain facts. 
____________________________________________________________________
The rest are some professional guesses: 
A white powder and an empty, glossy, crumpled piece of paper were found near Zach. Drug testing results showed this to be U47700, a drug 7.5 times more powerful than morphine. 50 people in the United States have reportedly died from using this "research chemical." It looks like 51 now.

That story sounds like an overdose. It's not. The chemicals are deadly. Zach was so careful about his recreational drug usage. Wednesday, he didn't ingest too much of something, or a combination of too many things... he accidentally poisoned himself. 

Each of us were a little afraid to ask: was this suicide? We gathered facts. No. Though, I admit that was how I thought his life would end. I assumed I would receive a text message from my mom that told me Zach was found dead from a marvelously tragic suicide. He had a flair for the dramatically dark. See his tumblr NSFW http://top-hats-and-gas-masks.tumblr.com/. His suicide would have been much different. Obviously intentional and soaked in pain and arrogance. 

But no. He planned to wake up Thursday morning. 

Grief, or Something Like It

My family reacted. We planned a funeral. Mom passed information. Dad listened and cried. I dragged a massive teddy bear everywhere. Gabriel would be OK for some time, then find himself slow and sad. Augustin wants to soak up everything that is left of him. Annaliese cries when someone else does. Lucas was Lucas, distant and close at the same time. A lot of past and present tenses, I know. Grief is just that confusing.

Zach is next to me in glasses

Right now, I don't know how to answer "How many kids are in your family?" I don't know.

I have 5 brothers and 1 sister, but not really. What happens when my family writes a narrative, but a pivotal character disappears? What happens to the identity for each of the other characters? I don't know. 

During the summer, we all ruin spider webs. I mean, we all Humans. I would walk into the laundry room to collect my clothes from the dryer. As I opened the door, the sun light caught and the web glistened. A shiny new design stuck where the two walls meet, just a few inches above my head. A strong, detailed project that might take hours, act as a house, act as a dining table, as a dust catcher. I quickly wipe it away and grab my clothes. Moving on. Next thing. 

The following night, the spider emerges to find herself homeless. Her treasured perfection ripped away from her. Disappeared. Nothing. No chance to protect her creation. She was not ready, and she waits. Yet, she is strong and she is courageous. She begins to spin the first line for the new home. This time is slower, confused, a little less careful, apprehensive about what is to come. But she builds nonetheless. 

I feel like I am at the emerging point in that metaphor. I am looking at nothing, at no one. I know there is a forward future, but first: his birthday. But first: Thanksgiving. Christmas. I wait. Maybe grief counseling. 

Dealing With Other People

The hardest and worst WORST part is when people tell me that I will see him again. My mom is convinced God mercifully took him to keep him from a life of sin. Her friends explain that even when we don't understand, God works everything for good. 

I don't think I will see Zach again. I don't think God used him for good since Zach never let God use him for anything. One time Zach told a friend that on Wednesdays he was god. All of this went down on a Wednesday. I was born on a Wednesday.

Dad doesn't believe God is cruel. Which is a faithful thing for my father to say because he has to live with regret and himself. He hopes that he will see Zach. Not certainty like my mom; just hope. 

Uncertainty...

The reason behind my brother's death is uncertain. We are uncertain that the drug was what killed him. We are uncertain about why now and not before or later (maybe this is before?). We are uncertain about his eternal location (he would argue about whether eternal existence can exist) and his state of being. 

I wish my christian community could rest in uncertainty. Uncertainty is a place, and learning not to escape uncertainty teaches peace that passes understanding. I haven't settled into that peace yet. Remember, I am still looking at the No One on my laundry room wall. When I accept the uncertainty and am at peace, I will begin to spin my web. Maybe that will be when I finally convert to Orthodoxy. Build my home.