4 Thoughts on Belonging
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| Orthodoxy, Jane Bennet, Triathlons, moving to Seattle |
I prefer to attend Orthodox church. After the service (which is beautiful, and healing, and you can sit on the floor and smell the incense), the lunch hour begins. The congregation of 60-80 people primarily over the age of 60, drifts around the room and settles into their chosen seats around large circular tables. I like to root first. I have found that when I root first, others tend to root more quickly. I suppose it might be a game of elimination -- when 1 chair is no longer an option, I work to claim my own so as to avoid disappointment. Since kindergarten, I am disappointed when I don't get the chair I want. This is a theory; let's will move on.
I always claim my spot first, primarily so that my mentor can come find me when she is ready. We will call her E. I sit and sip my tea and watch the regular members try to recall whether or not they have seen me before. Sunday mornings demand that everyone feel welcome. From the perspective of those feeling welcome, usually we want to be left alone. To observe, to find whether or not we fit in. I don't typically rely on other people telling me if I fit in or if I do not. Typically, I survey and listen and measure the environment. Are these people interesting, are they humble, are they different from one another and do they embrace the differences? E. understands all of that and she graciously listens to my observations. My differences.
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| Many of us need a Mentor who listens. Like Jane listens to Lizzy. |
In one of our recent conversations, we discussed ideal learning environments for children. In reality, those are the same for adults, but the conversation focused on children, because she administratively directs and teaches at a small school she established.
"Wherever they are, children are meant to know they belong. They need that in order to live." She speaks in such complete thoughts, she is so easy to quote, and I love it. But: Belonging.
1. Not Fitting In
Belonging and fitting in are not synonymous. Belonging happens. Fitting in is forced. We have to try to fit in. We find out post-facto that we belong.
2. To Thrive
To love life and thrive, I need to know there is a place for me. A place at the table, a place in my dating relationship, a place to grow from, to learn from, to gather all my tools and work late into the night. In order to thrive, I must know that I can start small and grow big -- in the same spot, with the same people who keep the place for me.
3. Trying new things
When a friend asked me what she could do to start working out regularly and find something she likes. And I told her I think instead of trying something new and hoping it would stick, she needed to find where she belonged. I belong in triathlons. I love swimming, biking, and I hate running, but I love the finish line. Do you belong in a pool, a dance studio, a home basement, a group fitness class, a cycle room, a crossfit group? It's hard to try new things when you feel like you could never belong.
4. Culture
I have an intense family culture. When I date someone, he has to be able to blend into the culture because when he doesn't blend in (and yes, it has happened), he will never belong. This produces culture clash within my dating relationship, which causes feeling displaced, confused, frustrated, and doubtful. Having discovered the importance of belonging, I can now identify cultural traits of different geographical locations I have lived (Idaho, California and Wisconsin) and where I do and do not belong. I am hoping to find a place to belong in Seattle, because it's not working out between Coeur d' Alene and me. So I will move on September 3rd to Greenlake Washington, where I hope to find a place I belong.
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