Tough Girls on the Mend

I was a badass. And you know what I love about saying that? No one wants me to prove it, they just want to know what kind of badass. Or they just laugh. Cool, I'll take it. 

What kind of badass doesn't matter, though. The truth is that I am not a badass right now. So to all my tough girls (and guys -- I do love gender equality) who are on the mend: 

This is for you. 

Temporary, low expectations, don't try retail therapy

This Is Right Now. Not Forever. 

Dani's job was ripped out from under her while she is crushing it over in China. Dani is a bouncy, loyal, adaptive human, but this hit her hard. So discouraging. She had a plan, she secured some future. Gone. "I feel like I am moving backwards, now." Oh, I understand that feeling. Chasing something with all my heart only to look down and watch the treadmill burn out beneath me. Then I trip and slam my face into the ground. Inevitably. 

The backwards feeling is just for right now. This is not always and forever. I am not marrying this feeling of failure. I am dating it, and we will break up soon. I promise. Pinky swear. 

Breathe: I Exist Inside Myself 

Unfortunately, I am with me wherever I go. The best thing I can do is take care of myself. Sleep. Eat clean. Exercise. Read something. Netflix. Can't leave that one out of this list of impressive priorities. 

I mention eating clean because in the last 10 days, I let myself eat my feelings. Self-loathing turned into a Twinkie. Loneliness appeared as a mound of mini-snickers. All the feelings? Yes. So I made a new rule that it has to come from the ground. No packaging, no chemical alterations. 

Work out for 20 minutes - sweat, heart rate up, strength training, drink water, push ups, whatever. I do it, because today is not the day I swell up. Not today. 

Every Day Has an Anthem

Back when I was impressive, I told anyone who would listen that you only count as a human if you contribute to society in a positive way. Thus, children are not technically humans because they are consumers. In my current mending context, I can no longer live by this mantra. I discovered my mantras are "I will make it to the end of today," or "Can I wait to decide about that?" or even "Yeah, I just can't do that right now." 

BECAUSE 

The Bar. It's Low. Yes... 

I love to have high expectations - reach for the moon, fall among the stars, yeah? Well, turns out I count lifting my face up to the sun as a win. Read 1 page, have 1 positive conversation per day, answer 1 email, plan the next 24 hours, don't fix anyone else, sleep when I am tired, say repeatedly that you need this now, and this is not forever. 

Support System - Grigot Girls 

There are people who will help. Not everyone. But there are the trusted, the loyal, the endurable. They call, they show up, they ask, and they tell me true things. An unexpected reminder came from Lady Gaga who gifted me a new anthem on repeat -- she calls on her girls when she can't make it all make sense. Two months ago, I needed help to pack up my things. I needed a hug about 15 times per day. I didn't ask, I did not say anything. But guaranteed I was angry at everyone who didn't read my mind and anticipate my needs. Poor Trevor took a beating, then got rudely dumped in that chaotic process. Something I needed, but regret how I texted him and blamed him and wouldn't let anything settle down. I didn't know how to be a Tough Girl on the mend.  

The Losing Game: Comparison 

You know who you love to hate. Unfollow her, unfriend him, unsubscribe from them, stop stalking. I am saying this to you because someone needs to say it, and I have been doing it for a month now. If the photo of that perfect living room set up makes me feel small, they're gone. No more. I don't need that. And then I take it one step further, and I replace them. I follow with an uplifting instagram profile, an encouraging life role model, a funny meme generator, a positive mental health digital magazine. Social media will no longer tell me how productive I should be, or how awesome I could be. 

Change Is a Necessary Temporary Place

Like I mentioned, I exist with and in myself - so I have to fake a forward motion feeling. I dropped a platinum blonde bomb. I moved to Seattle. I quit the triathlon life. I let a boy talk me into playing video games. I can sit still in the middle of all these, but it feels like things are moving. For a little baby second, I rode the wave of forward motion. But the wave will wash up onto the shore. After I get washed up, some days I just lay there, the water crawls up and down one side of my body. Other days, I throw myself back into the waves, and I will ride them again. One day, I will get up, brush the sand off, turn my face towards the sun, and walk back up to the car. But not yet. 

Lean In, Accept Who I Can't Be 

I feel pathetic for the many things I can't handle anymore. Groups. Planning my life more than 1 day in advance. Other people's lives or stories. Keeping track of my keys, credit cards, glasses, jacket, sanity. I completely lost any grasp on filtering... my advice is to keep me out of ear shot of children or grandmothers whom you care about. 

I Don't Believe In Myself 

My reality now depends on the people I find myself standing next to, or on the phone with. They believe in me. They tell me that I am strong, and I fight them with my pathetic arguments. They believe I am impressive, and I quote my track record. They want to hear what I think when I already know my brain takes twice as long to process information. Sometimes it feels like I have conversations underwater - the content is gurgly, but I can probably figure it out if you give me a hot second to figure it out. 

Oh by the way, retail therapy is not a thing. I already tried. 

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Please share, either comment below, or email me at nncheeley@gmail.com with any new practices or habits you found that helped or changed your Mending Game.